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Life in general

Thief

I want him to know what he did to me.  Beyond raping me, what he did to my psyche.  To my self worth.

I want him to know he’s the reason I have a hard time looking at myself in the mirror.

More than that, I want him to feel badly for what he did to me.  What he stole from me.

I want him to hurt, deep inside, knowing that he, a grown man, changed the course of a 12 year old girl’s life and walked away as if nothing had happened.

If he’s married, I want his wife to know every detail so that she can look at him and see the monster I saw in 10 years worth of nightmares.

I hope he has a 12 year old daughter, so that he can look at her an imagine a man doing to her, what he did to me.  

If his kids are little, I want him to lay awake at night, afraid of his daughters meeting a man like him.  A man who will stalk them like prey, who will weave a web and catch them in it so that he can suck the life right out of them and spit them out as though they are nothing but garbage.  I want him to take that fear right out of my head, so he can see what he did to me.

Twenty years has passed.  I’ve never sought counseling.  I’ve never dealt with being a victim. 

And I know now, why I haven’t. 

I’m afraid.  Afraid to voice what I’ve thought all these years: that I deserve what he did to me.

I’ve worked my ass off to be the best person I can be.  Trying to prove to myself that I’m worth something.  I’ve only just realized, that so much I’ve accomplished in my life has been because I was compensating for being raped.

I didn’t deserve what he did to me.  No more than someone crossing the street deserves to be run over by a drunk driver.  I have to come to terms with that. 

Who I am is more than what he made of me.  I deserve to move on with my life.

I deserve to look in the mirror and see what other people see, for the first time in 20 years.

36 replies on “Thief”

Andrea, you are so amazing. To write this, to share with the world; it’s nothing short of bravery. You didn’t deserve this, no child ever does.

I met you and you are a sweet, amazing, beautiful woman who I wished I could spend more time getting to know. Tons of hugs darlin.

You do win. You are a stunning woman, a true friend, a fabulous mom, so much more than what he stole from you. But, you deserve to grieve for the little girl he abused and you deserve all your fury against his evil. Love.

Andrea, we all think you are incredible. I know can also see how amazingly brave you are. You are beautiful and strong, and you deserve to see that in yourself. Thank you for sharing that with all of us. *hug*

You are so brave and strong…..

and just amazing for being able to share this.

I cannot imagine how hard this was.

You are awesome and brave just the way you are. You have taken the first step just writing about it. And you should know that it was NEVER EVER anything to do with you. You were a victim then but you are now a wonderful, brave, amazing woman. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you how much I hurt for you. I think this will mean so much in your journey of healing. Be proud of yourself and hold your head high. 🙂 *hugs and more hugs*

You are a survivor. I would welcome you to the club (I, too, am one), but I really wish I didn’t have to. This opening up is the first step on your road, bravo. And hugs and love too.

Andrea, absolutely you did not deserve it. You are brave to post this, and you deserve to seek counseling, to be released from the pain of it. I wish you all the best in your journey.

You have just won. Your courage and strength to speak out and share your story is amazing. This is the first step in healing yourself. You will likely never forget, but to be able to speak about it will help immensely.

You are a beautiful, smart, outgoing and amazing woman. I’m so lucky to have met you and to consider you a friend. I’m a phone call away if you EVER need anything.

I love to listen and give really good virtual hugs.

XOXO

I see you. Strong, ferocious, tenacious. An amazing wife, a fantastic mother, and a giving friend. I am so, so sorry that you had this happen to you, but I am so, so proud that you are speaking out and reclaiming YOU.

You did NOT deserve what he did to you.

You are NOT DEFINED by what he did to you.

You are GREATER THAN what he did to you.

You have accomplished all that you have not because of what he did to you, but because of what you have made of yourself despite it. Because in some way, you didn’t let yourself believe that you deserved it. Some part of you does believe that you did not deserve what he did to you, and someday the whole of you will believe that.

Sexual predators have no idea how much they change their victims. They are egomaniacs by nature and will never be able to see what they’ve done through the eyes of anyone but themselves. Unless they go through years of therapy I guess, but even then i’m skeptical. How could they live with themselves? I know that my grandfather would never have seen himself as the monster that he was. I’m just glad that he died when I was still very young. The fact that i’m pretty sure he suffered terribly as a child makes me unable to hate him, but it doesn’t make me condone what he did or forgive him. We all get to choose who we are in the end regardless of what’s happened to us. Sounds like you chose well. You are so very brave to write this.

If there was something I could do to ease your pain, I would. Be strong and do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself to a healing place. I am so sorry.

It took an unbelievable amount of bravery for you to write this and share with all of us. If I were closer, I’d wrapped my arms around you and tell you I’m sorry this ever happened to you and how proud I am of you for having the courage to speak out.

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