October has been a month of clarity for me. It’s been a very, very busy month. I turned 30, read the first 4 Harry Potter books in one week (I’m going to reward myself with the 5th after I get a specific list of things done), got rid of a bunch of stuff that’s been hanging around my house, painted and cleaned the house we rent out in a record 4 days, and started seeing things clearly for the first time in months. I had six pints of blood transfused when I hemorrhaged, and stayed in the hospital three days. I didn’t even have the strength to lift my arms – someone had to do it for me. After that, I got through life because I had to. I took care of Blythe because she was a newborn and needed me, and that’s what moms do. I loved her, I know I did – but it wasn’t until recently that I was able to see her clearly, and I have fallen head over heels in love with her. Before, everything I did, saw, thought – was through a haze of fatigue that I just couldn’t move through. My body wouldn’t work right, my mind was muddled. But then October came and suddenly, I am me again. I didn’t realize I hadn’t really laughed in months until I laughed a real, hard belly laugh. I didn’t realize I hadn’t moved through a day with ease until I found myself dancing with Alison because I wanted to, and she hadn’t even asked. It wasn’t until I saw the look of absolute joy on her face that I knew I had been neglecting her. Meeting her needs, yes – she was fed, clean, read to – but oh, to be dancing with mommy for no particular reason, right there in the middle of the living room. Life was good.
It’s not that I didn’t care about other people during that cloudy time, because I did. But I held everyone at arms length, without meaning to. I didn’t keep in touch with people very well, didn’t engage in conversation. I just couldn’t. I appreciated the fact that I was alive, but deep feelings weren’t accessible to me . This month my husband and I have been staying up late (even though we’re exhausted at the end of the day) talking about nothing in particular and everything that’s important. I have been walking around with this unexplainable tight feeling in my chest and it’s kind of like that first-day-of-school pent up excitement from when I was a kid. Life awaits. I can’t wait for Jeremy to get home every day, so I can be near him. Alison makes me laugh out loud all day – and although I enjoy a break from her, I miss her so much when she’s away from me because she lights up every room she enters. And Blythe – my heart hurts with my love for her. We have gone through so much in her little lifetime. She’s going to be a survivor, that one.
So today is the last day of October. Alison has a Halloween party at school this morning and I’m excited to go and watch her in the costume parade. I’m looking forward to taking her trick-or-treating in the mall tonight (I don’t brave the streets with small children – I’m too paranoid) and it’s amazing to me that I don’t dread going out in public. Tomorrow is the first day of November, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me.
It’s not that I didn’t care about other people during that cloudy time, because I did. But I held everyone at arms length, without meaning to. I didn’t keep in touch with people very well, didn’t engage in conversation. I just couldn’t. I appreciated the fact that I was alive, but deep feelings weren’t accessible to me . This month my husband and I have been staying up late (even though we’re exhausted at the end of the day) talking about nothing in particular and everything that’s important. I have been walking around with this unexplainable tight feeling in my chest and it’s kind of like that first-day-of-school pent up excitement from when I was a kid. Life awaits. I can’t wait for Jeremy to get home every day, so I can be near him. Alison makes me laugh out loud all day – and although I enjoy a break from her, I miss her so much when she’s away from me because she lights up every room she enters. And Blythe – my heart hurts with my love for her. We have gone through so much in her little lifetime. She’s going to be a survivor, that one.
So today is the last day of October. Alison has a Halloween party at school this morning and I’m excited to go and watch her in the costume parade. I’m looking forward to taking her trick-or-treating in the mall tonight (I don’t brave the streets with small children – I’m too paranoid) and it’s amazing to me that I don’t dread going out in public. Tomorrow is the first day of November, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for me.