Categories
Marriage Surviving

Things

I look around me at all of these things, the shit that is supposed to represent the life we built, and realize that I want none of it.

I imagine throwing them against the wall, one by one, and watching these things shatter into a thousand tiny pieces. 

If I throw them hard enough, and rage long enough, will I bring the house down? 

Leave a pile of rubble where my family’s home once stood.

Broken and absolutely worthless. 

Let it all fall apart.  I don’t want it.

But… that’s not who I am. 

What good is rage and broken shards of nothing? 

It doesn’t change reality.

It may not be what I thought it was, but it is worth something. 

If only to me.

Categories
Marriage Surviving

The Line

Tell me you can see the line.  The one marking your space and mine.

Tell me you can see the line.  The one separating love from obsession… from possession.

Tell me you can see the line.  The one between want and need.  Desire and greed.

 That side is yours, this side is mine.  Toe the line.

Back the hell up and maybe you’ll see it… right there, in black and white.

Do Not Cross.

I.

Will.

Not.

Be.

Owned.

Categories
Life in general Marriage

The Life She Deserves

“Don’t wait,” she says in her soft southern drawl, her cool hand gripping my knee.  “Don’t you wait to live the life you deserve.”
Grandma & Dre

At 16, she met him and fell in love.

At 17, she tried to convince the Justice of the Peace that she was old enough to get married.  He didn’t believe her.

At 18, she married him, against her parents wishes.

At 20, he joined the military, and at 21 she gave birth to their only child, a son.

That same year, living alone in a strange place, she discovered that the kind and loving man she married had a violent and unpredictable dark side.

At 22, her mother told her that she’d made her bed, and now she would have to lie in it.  So she did, for 52 years.

At 40, she became a grandmother.

At 45, she buried her son.

At 74, she buried her husband.

At 76, she went on a date for the first time in nearly 60 years.

At 77, a man brought her breakfast in bed for the first time in her life.

At 78, she travels, she laughs, she goes to concerts, she eats out more than she cooks at home.

At 78, she visits for a week and we sit together, night after night, sipping wine.  She tells me, with a twinkle in her piercing blue eyes, about her adventures and the gentlemen friends she has waiting for her at home.

At 78, she is finally living the life she has deserved all along… one full of happiness.

Categories
Food Life in general Marriage

More Than a Salad

I snarled at my husband over a wilty, soggy, left over salad.  Oh yes, I did.

This morning, as I rushed to prepare Alison’s school lunch, my eyes drifted toward the container of left over salad I was saving for my lunch.  As soon as I saw the lid lying askew, exposing the now disgusting looking salad to the air of the fridge, I abandoned my task and stomped over to my unsuspecting husband.

He had apparently been curious about the container from Strings in the fridge last night.  I’m sure he was incredibly disappointed to find salad where chicken parmesan should be.  That was no excuse, however, for just dropping the cardboard circle haphazardly over the top of the container, rather than sealing it the way he found it.

He tried blaming the salad for looking unappetizing.

So, basically, had the salad looked good to him, he would have gone ahead and eaten it?  But since he found it unappealing, he couldn’t be bothered to preserve it for me? 

Well, thanks.

Tears began to spill over my cheeks and I couldn’t let it go.  It was my salad.  That I went to the trouble of bringing home.  Maybe I like my salads to look unappetizing, it was still mine.  Had he eaten it, that would be one thing, but now it was ruined and nobody was going to eat it.

He apologized, profusely – he hadn’t meant to be careless, hadn’t meant to ruin my lunch, hadn’t meant to upset me.

Even as I accepted his apology, I felt stupid for making such a big deal about a wilty salad.  On any given day, I probably would have been happy about the excuse to eat something delicious, rather than a left over salad that, truthfully, wasn’t all that tasty the first time around.

I knew I was making a mountain out of something far more ridiculous than a molehill – an anthill, maybe.  A very tiny anthill, made by miniature ants.

There are mountains all around me – other people’s mountains, ones I want desperately to help them conquer, but I can’t.  And while those steep peaks looming in the distance help me to see my molehills for what they truly are, I find my eyes filling with tears and my face flushed with heat. 

Life is so freaking unfair sometimes.  And it’s not the salad, forget the salad, it’s the injustice of people’s mountains.  And looking at that pathetic salad, I’m reminded that there’s nothing in the world I can do about that. 

I can try to ease people’s suffering, but how I would love to throw it away like an old, wilty salad. 

Replace it with something tasty and warm, paired with a nice bottle of wine and some laughs.

What I wouldn’t give to have that power.

Categories
Marriage

The Journey…

Seven years of marriage.  Twelve years of love. 

Our journey has only just begun.

Happy Anniversary, Jeremy.


I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;

thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;

so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,

so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

~Pablo Neruda