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Life in general Surviving

Muted

I find myself sitting in muted silence.

No white noise, no static, no background music.

For someone who has always found comfort in words, the silence is sometimes deafening.

Have I disappeared from your life?

Most likely so, and I apologize.  I’m still here.  I still observe, listen, read.  But so often, I can’t find the words to join in the conversation.

It’s hard to explain the changes I’ve gone through.  Harder, still, to introduce people to the person I’ve become.  I’m still me, and yet I’m not.

For the most part, I’m somebody better than I was.

There’s this fluff that we carry around with us, over the top of who we are at our very core.  It shields us and gives us a buffer between our most bare, essential selves and the world around us.

I feel like I’ve lost mine.  Or, to be more precise, I’ve torn it off and set it ablaze.

I had a life that I loved, and it turned out that nothing about it was what I thought it was.  My carefully made plans, my hopes and dreams, all had to be released like balloons floating off into the distance.

It’s amazing to discover the person I’ve become, and to create a new life with new dreams, but I feel vulnerable.

I’m starting over as my truest, most authentic self.

And I have nothing to hide behind.

10 replies on “Muted”

Major life change is majorly hard…and sometimes it requires leaving places and people behind whether we like it or not. It’s just the way it is. Being true to yourself sometimes has to trump anything else, you know?

It’s scary to feel like there’s nothing to hide behind. I admire your bravery in taking the steps you need to take. (((HUGS)))

Haven’t forgotten you. I actually think of you often, knowing that you’re on the other side of the country transforming into a beautiful butterfly waiting to fly. I can’t wait to be introduced to the person you’ve become!

I’m still here, and still listening. Change is hard and you’ll get your words back when you need them. You’ve done some hard work and I think it’s ok to sit and let it all sink in for a while. xo

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